Our childhood experiences set our internal compass that guide the way we behave in adult relationships
The experiences we have in our childhood lay the foundation of how we perceive ourselves, others and the world around us. It can be likened to a ‘filter’ or a ‘lens’ through which we see and experience things.
Humans are social species and the way we feel safe is through other people. The most effective way of regulating one’s emotions in distress is being in close proximity to someone whom they are securely attached.
Conversely, dysregulated emotional states and stress responses are commonly formed through insecurely attached relationships. This occurs when one’s primary caregiver is emotionally unavailable and not attuned to their needs. This often results in care giver responding to their distress states in a reactive way such as minimising the child’s experience,yelling, hitting or avoiding them.
Our childhood experiences set our internal compass that guide the way we behave in adult relationships.
Attachment theorists have identified three main attachment orientations:
1. Anxious/ Preoccupied
2. Dismissive/ Avoidant
3. Secure
Anxious/ preoccupied people tend to worry about people’s ability to be there for them. Their behaviours are more often than not driven by their fear of rejection. These individuals require time and reassurance to get their needs met.
Dismissive /Avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and keep people at a distance because closeness is dangerous as it cannot be trusted.
Securely attached Individuals experienced their caregivers as a secure base from which they could venture out and independently explore and on their return would have their emotional and physical needs met. People with a securely attached orientation are comfortable with intimacy and open to exploring new things.
Attachment is the basis of suffering and healing, mental and physical illness or health and fortitude; strength of mind that enables courage in adversity.
The good news is that our internal compass has the capacity to change if given the right environment .
Therapy can help one start the reparative process. A therapist holds a safe space for the individual to talk through their experiences and attachment injuries. The therapist can assist to provide a reframe of the individuals experiences; which can be helpful in the process of identifying the functional elements of the behaviours that keep them from having close and meaningful relationships.
Attachment healing is possible. I know this because I have done the journey. The move toward wholeness starts with an intentional step toward vulnerability; it takes courage to ask for help and to talk about your story. The benefits out way the costs.
Healing attachment wounds can move you on from surviving to thriving.
DANIELLE REEVE 